Counselor Corner

SELF CONFIDENCE
When assignments or social situations are difficult, some people become discouraged and have difficulty finding more positive solutions. This is due to self-defeating thoughts. Young children may find that they become frustrated and give up rather than asking for help. In class, I role-played the following situations: receiving a worksheet that a student did not understand and having a friend reject a request to play a game. We discussed the negative thoughts and how they result in sadness, anger, or worry and no problem solving takes place. Then we went through the scenario using problem solving techniques. Students stopped the negative thoughts, then came up with solutions as well as an accurate reading of the situation: you’re not the only one who doesn’t understand, you can ask for help, you can practice with your parents at home, etc.

Reinforcement at Home

Talk with your child about a situation where they became frustrated and gave up. What are some solutions that they can think of now that might have helped them to have a better outcome?

Resources: Building Emotional Intelligence by Goleman and The Optimistic Child by Seligm

BULLYING

Respect & Responsibility as it relates to emotional & social well-being

What is bullying?

It is the intentional and repeated harm to another including intimidation, exclusion, malicious gossip, coercion, and violence against another.

Being Kind is Better

• People are afraid of people who do and say mean things but they like people who are kind.
• Holding peers to a high standard is okay but being mean to them is not.
  • It hurts us as well as them
  • Jesus’™ example (discussion of how Jesus was treated on the way to the cross, how when we treat people badly that we are treating Jesus badly, how he forgave his aggressors, and how he had the support of John, Mary, and others along the way ).
  • Children who are bullied
• Remember it all their lives
• Sometimes hurt themselves or others
• May feel badly about themselves
• Many overcome the experience & use it as a motivation (Discussion of Michael Phelps, Olympic swimmer, and how he channeled his anger about being bullied into a positive outlet)
• Research shows that people who were “popular” in elementary or middle school for picking on others were unpopular in high school. Bullies:
  • are more likely to have difficulty with relationships later in life
  • are more likely to have a criminal record.
  • If you have been mean to people in the past, you can change. I would be glad to help you.

Bystanders

• People who watch or participate in mean behavior also live with the consequences of that behavior
  • Guilt
  • Mistrust from peers
  • Lack of self respect
• Research shows that people who practice virtue are happier than those who go along with the crowd.

What to do instead?

• Walk away, giving the bully the clear impression that you do not like his or her behavior: don’t give the bully an audience.
• Tell an adult
• Stand up for the victim
  • Stand next to him or her
  • Tell the bully to stop it
  • Don’t become physical

If you are bullied:

• Talk to someone you trust. If they don’t do anything, tell another adult.
• Remember that it is not you but the bully who is wrong (Remember Jesus was bullied)
• There are many good and positive ways to deal with bullies
  • It is good to learn these skills now because there are adult bullies
• Deal with it quickly you don’t have to do it alone.

Reinforcement at Home

Talk with your child about how they would handle a situation in which their friend was the only person in the class not invited to a birthday party? What would your child do if their friend told them not to talk to another friend? What would you do if you saw a child push another child?

For more information visit the website: Stop Bullying Now

Educational Resources for Parents on the topic of Bullying:

http://stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov/adults/parents-and-family/family-do.aspx This webpage includes educational pamphlets on varying topics related to bullying. You can also access the webisodes presented at school that educate students on what bullying is, how to respond to it, and how to prevent it. Books and other resources are also included.

The following webpage includes a pamphlet with common questions and answers parents may have regarding bullying as well as online respect and responsibility guidelines. http://www.edu.gov.on.ca/eng/parents/bullying.pdf

Books for Children in Grades K-2: These short stories show different ways to deal with teasing. You can read them together and discuss the lessons.

Crysanthemum by Kevin Henkes
A Porcupine Named Fluffy by Helen Lester
The Recess Queen by Alexis O’Neill and Laura Huliska-Beith
Stand Tall, Molly Lou Melon by Patty Lovell
The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Teasing by Stan & Jan Berenstain

Books for Children in Grades 3-5:

100 Dresses by Eleanor Estes: This book addresses subtle put-downs among girls.
Super Emma by Jamie Harper
How to face up to the class bully! by Valerie Wilson Wesley

Books for Parents to Read on this Topic:

Girl Wars: 12 Strategies that will end Female Bullying by Cheryl Dellasega and Charisse Nixon
Queen Bees & Wannabes: Helping your daughter survive cliques, gossip, boyfriends, and other realities of adolescence by Rosalind Wiseman
The Good Son: Shaping the Moral Development of our Boys and Young Men by Michael Gurian
Boys Should be Boys: Seven Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons by Meg Meeker

ORGANIZATION ADVICE

Developing good organizational skills is a key ingredient for success in school and in life. Although some people by nature are more organized than others, anyone can put routines and systems in place to help a child “get it together.” Here’s a list of strategies that you can use to help your child get — and keep — his life under control.

1. Use checklists.

Help your child get into the habit of keeping a “to-do” list. Use checklists to post assignments, household chores, and reminders about what materials to bring to class. Your child should keep a small pad or notebook dedicated to listing homework assignments. Crossing completed items off the list will give him a sense of accomplishment.

2. Organize homework assignments.

Before beginning a homework session, encourage your child to number assignments in the order in which they should be done. She should start with one that’s not too long or difficult, but avoid saving the longest or hardest assignments for last.

3. Designate a study space.

Your child should study in the same place every night. This doesn’t have to be a bedroom, but it should be a quiet place with few distractions. All school supplies and materials should be nearby. If your young child wants to study with you nearby, too, you’ll be better able to monitor his progress and encourage good study habits.

4. Set a designated study time.

Your child should know that a certain time every day is reserved for studying and doing homework. The best time is usually not right after school — most children benefit from time to unwind first. Include your child in making this decision. Even if she doesn’t have homework, the reserved time should be used to review the day’s lessons, read for pleasure, or work on an upcoming project.

5. Keep organized notebooks.

Help your child keep track of papers by organizing them in a binder or notebook. This will help him review the material for each day’s classes and to organize the material later to prepare for tests and quizzes. Use dividers to separate class notes, or color-code notebooks. Separate “to do” and “done” folders help organize worksheets, notices, and items to be signed by parents, as well as provide a central place to store completed assignments.

6. Conduct a weekly clean-up.

Encourage your child to sort through book bags and notebooks on a weekly basis. Old tests and papers should be organized and kept in a separate file at home.

7. Create a household schedule.

Try to establish and stick to a regular dinnertime and a regular bedtime. This will help your child fall into a pattern at home. Children with a regular bedtime go to school well-rested. Try to limit television-watching and computer play to specific periods of time during the day.

8. Keep a master calendar.

Keep a large, wall-sized calendar for the household that lists the family’s commitments, schedules for extracurricular activities, days off from school, and major events at home and at school. Note dates when your child has big exams or due dates for projects. This will help family members keep track of each other’s activities and avoid scheduling conflicts.

9. Prepare for the day ahead.

Before your child goes to bed, he should pack schoolwork and books in a book bag. The next day’s clothes should be laid out with shoes, socks, and accessories. This will cut down on morning confusion and allow your child to prepare quickly for the day ahead.

10. Provide needed support while your child is learning to become more organized.

Help your child develop organizational skills by photocopying checklists and schedules and taping them to the refrigerator. Gently remind her about filling in calendar dates and keeping papers and materials organized. Most important, set a good example.

Adapted from “Tips for Developing Organizational Skills in Children” by the Coordinated Campaign for Learning Disabilities (CCLD)

http://www.teachervision.fen.com/education-and-parents/teaching-methods/3676.html

Telling Vs. Tattling

Tattling is trying to get someone unnecessarily into trouble.

Telling is trying to get someone out of trouble.

Reporting bullying behavior

• Physical
• Verbal
• Relational

Reporting discomfort due to inappropriate behavior

Reporting dangerous behavior

• Drugs
• Inappropriate Activities

Why is it important to report these concerns?

• You are a child of God and as such you have dignity. That means that it is not okay to allow others to treat you or others badly.
• If someone unintentionally hurts us, we can offer that up as a sacrifice and forgive them.
• If they intentionally and repeatedly hurt us or another then they must be stopped for their benefit as well as ours.

How do I report a concern?

• Find an opportunity to talk to the teacher privately.
• Immediately! Let the teacher know, when it happens.
• Talk with a parent who can call or email the teacher.
• Talk with the counselor or another trusted adult.
• Ask a friend to help you.

Problem Behaviors that must be reported

Gossip: Talking about other people, spreading lies or embarrassing truths

Teasing: Among friends and about things that are not too personal or hurtful may be acceptable. Do not tease someone about something that they are sensitive about or that they cannot help

Harrassment: Repeatedly bothering someone: teasing, unwanted attention, threats

Relational Aggression: Excluding someone from a friendship, threatening a friend with exclusion or telling a secret if they don’t do what you want, etc.

How to stop problem behaviors:

• It is the best thing for you. God created you to be good and you will be happiest when you are being kind to others.
• People will trust and like you better and you will like you better.
• To get better at it keep trying and apologize if you get it wrong.

Peer Pressure

Encourage one another

Philippians 1:3-11 (New Living Translation)

Paul’s Thanksgiving and Prayer

Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God. Whenever I pray, I make my requests for all of you with joy, for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now. And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

So it is right that I should feel as I do about all of you, for you have a special place in my heart. You share with me the special favor of God, both in my imprisonment and in defending and confirming the truth of the Good News. God knows how much I love you and long for you with the tender compassion of Christ Jesus.

I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return. May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation—the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ—for this will bring much glory and praise to God.

What is peer pressure?

• We discussed the meaning of a peer and how peer pressure is a normal part of growing up because young people of middle school age are especially concerned about what others think of them and want to be important to each other.

Friendships are an important part of life:

• They should help us to become better people.
• Good friendships bring us happiness & joy.
• Dangerous relationships where friends pressure us to make poor choices often bring us anxiety and sadness and guilt.
• The following video clip is from a PBS special called This Emotional Life. An excellent documentary about how our emotions effect us and how we can overcome difficulties. This clip relates a study about how happiness is contagious: http://video.pbs.org/video/1376654831/ I shared this with students to help them see how we are made to have an effect on one another.

Peer Pressure vs. Peer Influence was a discussion about how we can exert a negative pressure or a positive influence upon each other. Examples include:

• Peer Pressure
  • Using drugs
  • Misbehaving in class
  • Stealing
  • Making fun of someone
• Peer Influence
  • Doing your best at school
  • Playing sports
  • Being inclusive
  • Helping those in need

Facing Tough Situations Since peer pressure is such a difficult part of Middle School life, here are some ways of standing up to it (adapted from Right decisions, Right now program: http://www.rightdecisionsrightnow.com ):

Be firm and confident!

• Suggest something else:
  • No thanks, I’d just rather not. Let’s go talk to Erika instead.
• Use humor:
  • No thanks, I want to make sure everyone can smell my fabulous perfume.
• Talk about the consequences:
  • No, I think that if we have a party and don’t include Sarah that she will be really disappointed. I wouldn’t want to be left out.
• Stand up for yourself:
  • No, I think I’ll pass. (If the person keeps pressuring you) I’m not going to do that, and I wish you would stop pressuring me.
• Blame your parents:
  • No. If I do this I’m sure my parents will find out and I’ll be grounded forever.
• Change the subject:
  • No, thanks. Did you watch that new show last night?
• Reverse the pressure:
  • Why would anyone want to smoke? It smells bad, it’s expensive, illegal, and can give you lung cancer.

Who are you and what do you stand for? Students were encouraged to look at what is important to them. It is more likely that a student, who has a strong Faith and understanding of their goals, will be able to resist peer pressure.

• Knowing who you are and what you believe in will help you to find the strength to resist negative peer pressure.
  • It will help you to be a force for positive peer influence.
  • A strong faith protects students from giving in to peer pressure.
  • You are not alone in your struggles to be important to your friends and family.

Resources:
• www.lifeteen.org has video clips about peer pressure, gossip, and many other topics relevant to teens.
• http://www.rightdecisionsrightnow.com/parents/parents.asp this website focuses on preventing tobacco use. However, it has good resources and information relevant to resisting any type of peer pressure.